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V. THE TRIALS OF GIRLHOOD. DURING the first
years of my service in Dr. Flint's family, I was accustomed to share some
indulgences with the children of my mistress. Though this seemed to me no more
than right, I was grateful for it, and tried to merit the kindness by the
faithful discharge of my duties. But I now entered on my fifteenth year—a sad
epoch in the life of a slave girl. My master began to whisper foul words in my
ear. Young as I was, I could not remain ignorant of their import. I tried to
treat them with indifference or contempt. The master's age, my extreme youth,
and the fear that his conduct would be reported to my grandmother, made him
bear this treatment for many months. He was a crafty man, and resorted to many
means to accomplish his purposes. Sometimes he had stormy, terrific ways, that
made his victims tremble; sometimes he assumed a gentleness that he thought
must surely subdue. Of the two, I preferred his stormy moods, although they
left me trembling. He tried his utmost to corrupt the pure principles my
grandmother had instilled. He peopled my young mind with unclean images, such
as only a vile monster could think of. I turned from him with disgust and
hatred. But he was my master. I was compelled to live under the same roof with
him—where I saw a man forty years my senior daily violating the most sacred
commandments of nature. He told me I was his property; that I must be subject
to his will in all things. My soul revolted against the mean tyranny. But where
could I turn for protection? No matter whether the slave girl be as black as
ebony or as fair as her mistress. In either case, there is no shadow of law to
protect her from insult, from violence, or even from death; all these are
inflicted by fiends who bear the shape of men. The mistress, who ought to
protect the helpless victim, has no other feelings towards her but those of
jealousy and rage. The degradation, the wrongs, the vices, that grow out of
slavery, are more than I can describe. They are greater than you would
willingly believe. Surely, if you credited one half the truths that are told
you concerning the helpless millions suffering in this cruel bondage, you at
the north would not help to tighten the yoke. You surely would refuse to do for
the master, on your own soil, the mean and cruel work which trained bloodhounds
and the lowest class of whites do for him at the south. Every where the
years bring to all enough of sin and sorrow; but in slavery the very dawn of
life is darkened by these shadows. Even the little child, who is accustomed to
wait on her mistress and her children, will learn, before she is twelve years
old, why it is that her mistress hates such and such a one among the slaves.
Perhaps the child's own mother is among those hated ones. She listens to
violent outbreaks of jealous passion, and cannot help understanding what is the
cause. She will become prematurely knowing in evil things. Soon she will learn
to tremble when she hears her master's footfall. She will be compelled to
realize that she is no longer a child. If God has bestowed beauty upon her, it
will prove her greatest curse. That which commands admiration in the white
woman only hastens the degradation of the female slave. I know that some are
too much brutalized by slavery to feel the humiliation of their position; but
many slaves feel it most acutely, and shrink from the memory of it. I cannot tell
how much I suffered in the presence of these wrongs, nor how I am still pained
by the retrospect. My master met me at every turn, reminding me that I belonged
to him, and swearing by heaven and earth that he would compel me to submit to
him. If I went out for a breath of fresh air, after a day of unwearied toil,
his footsteps dogged me. If I knelt by my mother's grave, his dark shadow fell
on me even there. The light heart which nature had given me became heavy with
sad forebodings. The other slaves in my master's house noticed the change. Many
of them pitied me; but none dared to ask the cause. They had no need to
inquire. They knew too well the guilty practices under that roof; and they were
aware that to speak of them was an offence that never went unpunished. I longed for
some one to confide in. I would have given the world to have laid my head on my
grandmother's faithful bosom, and told her all my troubles. But Dr. Flint swore
he would kill me, if I was not as silent as the grave. Then, although my
grandmother was all in all to me, I feared her as well as loved her. I had been
accustomed to look up to her with a respect bordering upon awe. I was very
young, and felt shamefaced about telling her such impure things, especially as
I knew her to be very strict on such subjects. Moreover, she was a woman of a
high spirit. She was usually very quiet in her demeanor; but if her indignation
was once roused, it was not very easily quelled. I had been told that she once
chased a white gentleman with a loaded pistol, because he insulted one of her
daughters. I dreaded the consequences of a violent outbreak; and both pride and
fear kept me silent. But though I did not confide in my grandmother, and even
evaded her vigilant watchfulness and inquiry, her presence in the neighborhood
was some protection to me. Though she had been a slave, Dr. Flint was afraid of
her. He dreaded her scorching rebukes. Moreover, she was known and patronized
by many people; and he did not wish to have his villany made public. It was
lucky for me that I did not live on a distant plantation, but in a town not so
large that the inhabitants were ignorant of each other's affairs. Bad as are
the laws and customs in a slaveholding community, the doctor, as a professional
man, deemed it prudent to keep up some outward show of decency. O, what days and
nights of fear and sorrow that man caused me! Reader, it is not to awaken
sympathy for myself that I am telling you truthfully what I suffered in
slavery. I do it to kindle a flame of compassion in your hearts for my sisters
who are still in bondage, suffering as I once suffered. I once saw two
beautiful children playing together. One was a fair white child; the other was
her slave, and also her sister. When I saw them embracing each other, and heard
their joyous laughter, I turned sadly away from the lovely sight. I foresaw the
inevitable blight that would fall on the little slave's heart. I knew how soon
her laughter would be changed to sighs. The fair child grew up to be a still
fairer woman. From childhood to womanhood her pathway was blooming with
flowers, and overarched by a sunny sky. Scarcely one day of her life had been
clouded when the sun rose on her happy bridal morning. How had those
years dealt with her slave sister, the little playmate of her childhood? She,
also, was very beautiful; but the flowers and sunshine of love were not for
her. She drank the cup of sin, and shame, and misery, whereof her persecuted
race are compelled to drink. In view of these
things, why are ye silent, ye free men and women of the north? Why do your
tongues falter in maintenance of the right? Would that I had more ability! But
my heart is so full, and my pen is so weak! There are noble men and women who
plead for us, striving to help those who cannot help themselves. God bless
them! God give them strength and courage to go on! God bless those, every
where, who are laboring to advance the cause of humanity! |